the world (or maybe just me) needs

I have had little patience lately, but this week especially, for excuses.

I have been getting so annoyed by comments I’ve encountered after someone makes a mistake or mis-speaks, like “Oh, I’ve got pregnancy brain.” ….or “I’m not firing on all cylinders today” (but if you say this every day, are you really ever firing on all cylinders?) …or “oh, I’m just so tired today.”

I don’t mean to pick on these people making these comments.  I’m plenty guilty of making similar comments.  But lately, I have been wondering why.  What is the reason for this need to have a reason for saying the wrong word or making a mistake?  Sometimes, it just happens.  I was recently an observer of a conversation that lasted about ten minutes, each of the two involved going back & forth in re-iterating their excuses……TEN MINUTES!!   How about we just move on & let it go?

I have a job that requires me to ask almost complete stangers for intimate, personal information around things like finances and relationships.  I also happen to be a person that sometimes doesn’t even ask friends for personal information for fear of prying.  I’ve struggled with this for a while, putting off phone calls on conversations that might be awkward to have or talking around the subjects in hopes that they would understand what I’m asking.  But yesterday, it hit me.  I need to be more direct.  & honest.  I need to specifically say what it is I am asking about and why.  & do you know how well people responded?  I got so much more information and so much accomplished yesterday.

I see that these excuses are more of a gut reaction than a thoughtful response to the situation at hand.  & I understand that not every environment is safe enough to let down our guard & bear the rawness of our souls.  & I even see that my losing patience over someone else making an excuse is a little ridiculous.  But I think I almost take it as a personal attack when someone makes excuses to me, that they don’t trust me, that they don’t think they can be real with me, that I am going to judge them, that I’m not a safe place.  & while I know it’s really not a personal attack, I want people to feel safe around me, to let down their defenses.

I also want to be the person who is willing to ask the blunt question, just in case it’s the right question.  I’m not there yet, but I’m trying.  I think that, in general, we treat each other too fragile.  We tiptoe around each other in case of hurting their feelings or making them angry.  But in so doing, I fear that we make each other weaker.  We don’t give them the credit that they are strong enough to take the pain & turn it into something good.  & maybe, just maybe if we did, we’d have a world full of stronger, more confident people.

This really came to light in a recent heart-to-heart with my oldest sister.  As the youngest sister, I always looked up to her.  I still do.  But as we’re getting older & I am about to join her in experiences like marriage, pregnancy, having kids, I realized that I don’t need her to protect me anymore.  What I need from her is to share her experiences in these things.  I need to know that not everything is as perfect as it looks.  & that there will be come really hard & rough times ahead.  At the end of our conversation, it hit me: this is the time, we need to be more raw & real with each other.  How else are we to help each other?

So please, if you’re tempted to make an excuse for yourself today, just ask yourself why & if it’s truly necessary.  Let yourself free of the need to defend yourself.  Be proud of who you are, mistakes & all.  Excusing our flaws makes us defensive & hidden.  The world needs more openness & genuineness (is that a word??).  A bit more rawness.  A bit more honesty. 

It would do the world good, I think.  & me.  It would do me good.

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