two in a row

A  dear friend of mine pointed out that we need two days in a row, off from work, from whatever it is we need time “off” from. Yesterday, was a hugely productive day.  And productive in ways that I never intended! I mean like the motivation just stayed strong all day.  I don’t even know where it came from!  I just kept moving from one thing to the next & even though it was my day off, I wasn’t about to stop.  Who knew the next time I’d have the time/energy/motivation all at the same time to do it again?!

But at the close of the day, I realized I had to come to work today.  That meant, I never once relaxed.  While on the one hand I enjoyed the productiveness of my day, on the other hand, I really missed my chance to enjoy having a day off.  Which is why I needed two! & in a row!  So that yesterday could have been my productive day & today could have been my do nothing day.  Now THAT would have been nice.

Now I bet you’re wondering if I made it to the gym on Wednesday.  The answer to that would be no.  BUT, I did a workout on the Wii Fit & it was quite a workout.  & yesterday I did go to the gym.  I swam.  Go me!  & I’m planning on going today. Whoa.  This first week is going better than expected.

I’ve been finding myself more interested in getting involved in activities, such as a triathalon or some walk for a cause.  This summer, the Peterborough Recreation Department, where I work as a lifeguard, hosted a triathalon & we guarded the swimming portion of it.  I had never experienced one before in my life & I was amazed.  The intensity & energy flowing among the participants & the spectators was pretty amazing to see & feel.  & the participants themselves, all ages & athletic abilities, amazed me, especially the 13 year old girl.  What would convince a 13 year old to participate in a triathalon?  I sure wouldn’t have at that age!  Nevertheless, ten years later at the age of 23 I am suddenly interested.  Hm.

In respect to a walk for a cause, my main issue is what cause??  How does one choose what to walk for?  Breast cancer?  I don’t know anyone who is or has been diagnosed with breast cancer.  What other causes are out there?  Once I saw one for rescue animals.  The date was no good but that seemed like something down my alley, but how to get involved?  I just don’t know. 

Part of me feels that it is okay to walk for any cause, even if it doesn’t have personal meaning, because if you have the physical ability, why not use it to benefit a good cause?  But then the other part of me, & I think the larger part of me, feels that walking for a cause which has zero personal meaning to me is sort of hypocritical, maybe?  Or that it would make me appear as just some do-gooder either trying to make myself better or have something good to put down on my resume?  Which would then take away from the deeper, real & more personal reason that everyone else is there.  What do you think?  Am I right on target, way off base, or somewhere in between?

But then there I go again…worrying about how it would appear.  Hmm.

a start

Today it occurred to me that I am tired of having the same old feelings return to me.  I want to be more active.  I want to use my body while it is still young & full of youthful energy…though the longer I go without using it, the older it is beginning to feel.  Why is it that these feelings come on so strongly & so suddenly? 

So I’m at work this morning & training this girl with an abunance of energy.  Like almost too much energy.  But I felt so old next to her & really I’m only a couple years older than her.  Oh my.

All day Sunday I wondered & wondered what I should do with my day, but everytime a physical activity was suggested, I turned it down.  Why??  Why is what we really really want sometimes the hardest thing to do?

So I present you with this question…how do you motivate yourself to do that thing which you want to do but struggle to find or make the time for?  Really.  I want to know.  I could use some help.

My dad is one of those people, always encouraging us to work out….how did his persistence in working out not pass along to me?  In a way, I’m glad I didn’t.  But couldn’t just a smidge of it have rubbed off on me??

Mental toughness.  In the area of physical activity, I really lack mental toughness.  I can’t do it alone.  And even with someone, I struggle to push myself.  This is one reason I miss high school sports.  I didn’t have a choice.  (And I was already in great shape).  Boo.  I miss that.

So the moments I am full of energy & ready & raring to go to the gym, are usually the moments when I cannot go.  And by the time I can go, I am all out of energy.  Sooooo how do I solve this lil dilemma of mine?

But even without an answer, today I made progress.  I made a start, though it was a tired start at that.  Nonetheless, I made it to the gym!  & played basketball, racquetball & an ab workout.  Yay.  My goal is to go on Wednesday.  Think I can do it??  I sure hope so.

i thought it was october

October 16th, it snowed.  I mean like not just a little flurry.  I mean like it snowed and stuck for at least a couple hours. 

October 17th, major frost & freeeeeeezing.  I busted out my winter boots, hat & gloves.  Thankfully, not my winter coat yet.

October 18th, rain, rain & more snowwww.  Enough snow that people slowed down on highways cuz they could barely see.  Enough snow that Mt. Monadnock is now snow-topped.  Enough snow that certain towns of good ol’ NH are still lightly frosted in snow. 

October 19th, sunny & t-shirt weather.

Wow.  Am I shocked about the snow?  Absolutely.  Am I actually a little bit happy that it snowed?  Truthfully, of course.  & more than a little.  With the snow & Halloween coming up in just a couple short weeks, Christmas music season is just around the corner.  And I AM excited.

What I am really shocked about is that it is almost November.  Time is zooming past me at an alarming rate & I am really beginning to wonder what I am doing with myself, with my life.  I feel very without a purpose.  & it bothers me.  What is the purpose of life?  Big question, I know.  & I’m not sure there is one answer that fits everyone.  But I know it’s not just one thing…it isn’t just about having a family, it isn’t just about finding the perfect career… 

Perhaps because of my age & that I just graduated from college, but right now I feel like the pressure is on to find a career.  So I feel like right now my purpose is to get a good job.  But I’m sort of failing at that or rather it is taking longer than I would like.  So in the mean time, is there another purpose?  Maybe just enjoying my life?  Doing what I love?  Enjoying my time?

Yes I think that’s it.  It is just difficult to remember when there seem to be bigger things out there.  But what good is a life chasing dreams when you can never enjoy now because you are too focused on what is to come?

quite actually

I cut my hair today!

Merely 2 hours ago my hair was down to past my shoulder blades with long layers. 

Currently it is shoulder length….with bangs!  Eeek :/ 

I was so nervous to do it, but I have been feeling for a very long time that I wanted to do something different with it.  So now I have.  And I am pretty sure that I like it.  Still needs to grow on me a little.  I am not used to having bangs & I keep getting annoyed that they fall across my eyes, but that is the “look”, after all that I was going for.  But my question isn’t really if I like it or really even if anyone else likes it.  It is hair & will grow back so regardless of whether or not it is liked, there is no choice but to accept it.  For now. 

My question is in fact, where did this urge come from?  There I was this morning driving along in the rain & the pretty fall colors around me, taking my mom to the airport & I felt this urge creeping up on me.  Then, without warning, there was this thought in my head that said, “why don’t you cut your hair today?”  I suppose that while I was driving I was wondering how I was going to spend my afternoon, being that it was my day off & I hadn’t made any plans yet.  But WHY oh WHY did this urge creep in?  Because then I actually started thinking about how I wanted it to be cut & what it would look like.  And then I actually started getting excited about what it would look like & then because this thought had so sneakily snuck in & disturbed my day of nothingness & turned it into a now quite big day & I actually had to follow through with these thoughts.  Not that I am regretting my decision.  I think I quite like my hair cut.  It is growing on me.  But I am just so curious why these things happen…how you can just be going about your normal day & then have these completely random & out of the ordinary thoughts that actually require you doing something about them & then by the end of the day, something completely unexpected has happened.  It’s actually quite cool.

My word choice is also interesting to me today.  For instance, I am extremely curious how many times I used the words “quite” & “actually” in this blog & why I found those 2 words to be the perfect ones to describe my thoughts.

autumn

I have discovered a new autumn drink & it is quite delicious.  Mix about .5 shot of butterscotch & .5 shot of apple pucker all in with a full cup of warm apple cider & there you have it.  It’s delicious people. I do not lie.  Try it.

I am happy it is October.  However, I am a little unnerved by the quite simple fact that time is speeding by me at an alarmingly rapid pace.  I was thinking about this just the other day & realized that time only seemed to speed up once I graduated high school.  Perhaps that is not true & I am forgetful of how I felt about time during high school.  But I wonder if I didn’t notice time flying by because I never thought of it in such a big perspective?  For me, there was nothing past high school.  I didn’t think about anything except what homework needed to be completed that night, what my friends were doing that weekend, when my next soccer or basketball game was, etc.  I didn’t look towards the greater future.

Now I am.  And with a great deal of nervousness  I might add.  I can no longer only look a day or a week ahead.  Of course I thought about my future when I was in high school, but never in real time, only in a far-off-distant-time.  So when looking at my life from this bigger perspective, days overlap & blur together, and before I know it those greatly anticipated events that I have been oh so looking forward to….are gone….my weekend with molly in avalon :: my birthday :: the summer :: college graduation :: my sisters 16th birthday :: jaffrey fireworks & the sugarland concert (for which I waited an entire year!) :: halloween :: autumn :: a wedding :: thanksgiving :: christmas :: snowboarding season ::

It saddens me a bit to think about that.  It sometimes makes me wonder what the point of getting so excited & riled up about events is, just to have them come & go in a moment’s time.  Yet I couldn’t imagine living life without those bubbly anticipatory exciting feelings.  I guess if I think about the excitement as part of the event then it seems more worth it.  After all, what would that event be if I wasn’t looking forward to it in the first place? Making memories…that’s what we’re doing & though it is sad that these events are over, we need to hold them in our memory.  Perhaps my concern is that I fear my memory is failing me & I cannot remember all the fine details, or even the big details for that matter.  Maye that is why I turn to my camera.  I was looking through all my pictures this weekend & I found myself wondering what I was thinking when I snapped several of those shots, like why I felt it was important to remember that specific detail.  In the spirit of organization & condensing, I found myself deleting many pictures that I couldn’t figure out any purpose for having….yet now that they are deleted I fear that one day I will say….now where is that picture of [such and such a thing] & it will not be there!

But back to the time issue, I also wonder if time could be speeding up because I am more present in my life?  I get so involved in my life that days fly by without me noticing?  Or is that a mistaken theory? 

And now back to autumn, my main purpose for today’s writing…  There was a time when I thought I was a summer girl through & through.  I enjoyed things about the fall & winter, but never once did I think that I actually enjoyed them as a full season.  But I have realized that I was wrong.  This summer proved that to me as it dawned on me that I was ready for summer’s end.  My new motto is to, “live in each season as it passes: breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit.”  I have come to realize that each season brings with it something or many things that warm my spirit. 

In autumn, I find that I enjoy the brisk coldness in the air :: I enjoy that I am reminded to be thankful for what I have in my life & to express that gratitude :: I enjoy the gorgeous oranges, reds & yellows :: I enjoy the many times I look around me at the world & debate whether I should reach for my camera to capture it or just sit amongst it & revel in its beauty :: I enjoy the holiday season that brings family together :: I enjoy the many traditions that come with fall – pumpkin bagels, apple cider, apple picking, pumpkin pie & pumpkin rolls, painting & carving pumpkins, pumpkin festivals, watching festive movies, hot chocolate, corn chowder & cornbread :: I enjoy dressing in layers & scarves & gloves & hats :: I enjoy anticipating snowboarding season :: I enjoy going for walks & stepping on crunchy leaves ::

There are a million little things that I love about fall.  I sometimes wonder if I am a bit hypocritical in saying that I love the fall, but then whine when I have to get out of bed in the morning, whine when I have to go outside in the frigid mornings, whine the first time it frosts, whine when my hands are freezing [but thanks to my wonderful friend ryan i own a pair of bucky mitts that keep my hands warm], whine when I am just plain cold…..you get the point.

But I guess that even though I hate being cold, there are enough things about autumn & winter (the cold months) that I am thankful for & that make me brave the cold & make the best of it.  So I want to thank you autumn, for being so full of wonderful things that I do not waste these cold cold months by sitting inside, drowning in my misery.

disappointment

So I didn’t get the job.

I realize that the title of this post is not one that jumps out to you saying read me!  So if you did jump, I hope you won’t find this as depressing as you might have thought.  See, I don’t want to talk about how disappointed I am about not getting the job.  Instead, I want to process my disappointment & voice my questions, which was, after all, one of my main reasons for starting this blog.

I have been waiting & waiting to hear about this job.  And I was declined for the full time position, but was instead, offered a per diem position doing exactly the same thing.  Yet, when I first got off the phone, I was filled with shame & embarrassment.  What is it about rejection that eats us up inside?  I was hesitant about writing about this, but I want to know…  My strongest feeling when I got off the phone was embarrassment & I didn’t want to tell anyone.  But it happens to a lot of people.  But I guess I didn’t want to believe that it could happen to me.  In the words of Dr. Seuss, “I’m sorry to say so but, sadly it’s true that Bang-ups & Hang-ups can happen to you.”  We all have our moments to shine & our moments of anything but shining.  So why do we turn inward at moments like this when the very thing we should be doing is reaching outward to those that love us to reinstate our sense of self & our pride, which can be so easily destroyed.

I think that the important thing is moving on although I know that “unslumping yourself is not easily done.”  One way that I felt I could let go of this & move on was by sharing it.  So you, my friends, are the lucky listeners.

The thing is, this job wasn’t my dream job.  But my problem is…I don’t know what my dream job is.  So I looked at this one as a start, as a way to get my foot in the door.  Most importantly, it was a job with which I could use my degree & it was a change, something new.  Currently I spend my working hours either babysitting or at the Bagel Mill, both jobs that I have loved & have served me well, but both are jobs which I have done for years.  It was a job that would provide me with a routine & keep me in Keene.  Why move away if my plan was only to commute back to my hometown? It was a job that allowed for creativity & variety & hopefully one that challenged me.  And it was a job with better pay. 

So since the reasons I was interested in this job didn’t necessarily apply to the job itself, does that mean that there is another job out there for me?  I am still considering going forward with the per diem position, at least for now, but is there something better for me?  Something more right, more perfect?  I must admit that against my better judgment, I definitely put all my eggs in this one basket & failed to look for any other jobs.  That was my mistake & one I may surely make again as I applying for jobs is not something I am quite comfortable with.  But hopefully I will learn in time.  My work ethic is something that I am proud of.  It is one thing that I am confident about.  So when I received the call today, it shook my confidence & my thoughts danced with doubts & the doubts took the lead no problem.  And that is why I am thankful for my friends, who listen to me & empathize & restore my confidence, simply by listening & being there. 

I am ok.  A few years ago, this may have shook me to the core, but this is evidence that I am growing.  And I take comfort in that.  But here before me is another golden opportunity to grow & I am shrinking from it.  I have come far & made growth a passion of mine, but here I am up against a true hurdle & I am scared.  From what will I draw strength & comfort? 

So there you have it folks: a lesson in disappointment.  Most of the stories I read are about people after they have worked through their problems & it is more of an overview of their struggles & where they are now.  But I think that for a story to be helpful, to have practical applications, the true heartbreaking guts of the story must be shared.  And while this story is not so heartbreaking, it is a hardship which I am dealing with & very important at this time in my life.

slow

I am so slow at posting blogs.  I’m sorry people.  Have I been busy?  I suppose you could say that.  So busy that I haven’t had time to blog?  Not exactly.  So why have I not been blogging?  I just haven’t felt like it.  I didn’t feel that I had much to say I suppose.  Do I feel like I have more to say now?  No, but I’m going to try.

Let’s start with what I have been doing since my last blog… I have been working at the mill & getting consistently more worn out by the day by working there :: I have been babysitting….A LOT…& struggling to feel in control when really I am powerless with those kids :: I have bought a new camera! :: I have been hoping & hoping against any & all odds that I get this job I interviewed for :: I have caught up with some of my favorite people :: I have finished cleaning & organizing every aspect of my room & can finally say that I am quite happy with it :: I have admired the fall colors & enjoyed the fall weather :: I have been intrigued by Sons of Anarchy :: I have gone apple picking & made yummy appley treats of which I ate none & have plans to make more appley treats of which I will definitely eat some :: I have watched my wonderful boyfriend coach his football team & cheered him/them on :: I have thought a lot about the future :: I have fallen asleep at crazy early times & woken up wide awake at even crazier early times :: & I have attempted to read the latest of Nicholas Sparks’ novels “The Last Song”.

On the other hand, the list of what I have not done includes going to the gym & relaxing/having down time….two important things that I would like to, somehow, fit into my life. 

So now my fingers are crossed that I hear about the job tomorrow, I am cozily looking forward to another great episode of Sons of Anarchy, I am absolutely dreading getting up for work tomorrow, BUT I am looking forward to sleeping in my bed tonight, I am looking forward to actually seeing my roommates tomorrow night & perhaps a fall walk (if it’s not raining) to try out my new camera, & I am especially looking forward to a trip to Avalon, New Jersey this weekend with my friend Molly.  

Life ain’t all bad.  Not bad at all.  But from tired eyes it can seem daunting.  That’s why promptly after my show I shall close my little eyes before my head even hits the pillow.

thankful

On Wednesday afternoon my mom & I took off on a semi-planned trip to Freeport, Maine.  Our mission: a getaway & L.L.Bean outlet!!  There were lots of things to be thankful for on that trip…

Sand between my toes :: crisp fall weather & a lil sunshine :: ben & jerry :: kerplunks & good deals :: warm & matching fleece pajamas :: cute bed & breakfast to stay in with a scrumptious breakfast :: good music :: time to relax :: a mother-daughter friendship :: triple A :: warm cozy sweatshirts :: friendly people :: homemade banana bread mmmmm :: beautiful scenery :: good food :: deep conversation :: zero time constraints :: lighthouses :: simple pleasures :: & an all around good time.

                                Portland, Maine

                  Kendall Tavern Inn, Freeport Maine

Now today I worked at 5:30am.  To some people waking up at 5 is easy, almost late even.  To others waking up then is insanity in its cruelest fashion.  To me it is a little bit of both.  It is painful to wake up so early, but once awake I love my mornings.  It’s sort of nice driving to work & being able to see the stars & moon and the rising sun.  It would make for some great photographs.  There was much to be thankful for today…

My very own hot hot hot shower & cozy clothes :: a night to relax :: pay day :: coming home after not being here for a few days :: my music collection :: it’s friday :: the smell of mulled apple cider :: favorite old movies :: unexpected time with a special someone :: time with friends :: the cool air swirling through my open windows on the drive home :: candlelight :: a clean room :: succeeding in not eating one of bagel mill’s perfectly undercooked chococate chip cookies :: a hopeful feeling :: dreaming & probably more to come as the night rolls on.

It’s the season to be thankful.  And being thankful helps me enjoy life, especially in those times when life is not so enjoyable.

passion. drive. motivation. dedication.

One thing that I dislike about blogging is that you can’t feel the way your favorite pen presses into a stack of paper, you can’t enjoy looking down at your loopy handwriting, you can’t crumple up your piece of paper in frustration when you can’t find the words to match your thoughts (in fact all your attempts are deleted) & your limited by time & knowledge.  For instance, a friend of mine struggles to like the look of her blog…yet I am confident that if she were given scrapbooking paper & her crafts corner, she would be able to handmake exacty the kind of look she wants. 

Ok so there are a few things I dislike about blogging, but they are more caused by nostalgia than actual dislike.  In reality, I find the blogging world very useful…like for posing thoughts & questions such as this….

An avid outdoorsmen climbing Mt. Everst :: A mother waking at 5am for her six mile run :: An 18 year old boy joining the military :: A motorcyclist baring the the bitter cold :: A fisherman leaving his family for months at a time :: A young man with a full time job volunteering his time to coach football :: A married couple dedicating their lives to be foster parents :: An athlete playing through bruises, sprains, breaks, pain, sweat & tears :: A man training for a marathon :: A 13 year old girl competing in a triathalon ::  A graduate student spending endless hours writing his thesis & doing research  :: A horse lover rescuing broken & battered horses ….

What causes these people to do such things?  How are these interests cultivated or started in the first place?  How are these decisions made, these routines designed?  Where does this passion/dedication come from?  Why do some people seem to have it in extreme amounts & others not at all?  Is it a simple matter of control?

People who have the ability to wake up in the morning & push through their impulses to not go running or not get out of bed or not do exactly what they feel led to do amaze me.

Part of me likes following impulses because it can lead to so many unexpected things.  But there comes a point when folloing impulses results in a lack of dedication or an inability to commit to something difficult from which your impulses will lead you in the opposite direction.  So how does one find a balance between committment & spontaneity, impulse & control?  It seems that to train for a marathon or write a thesis, there needs to be a routine, some sort of rigidity in the schedule.  Is that just something that needs to be accepted?  Or is there a way around it?  For a husband, mother, employee, coach, student, etc…there are other responsibilities to consider.  That in itself causes rigidty – add on this passion, yet still a responsibility & life gets hectic.  Maybe I’m still trying to live the student’s dream world of tons of free moments & an incredibly flexible schedule to do whatever I feel led to do.  Perhaps it is time I grew up.

What I’m really trying to say is, I want to be involved.  I want to have something that I am so passionate about that I need it to be an intimate part of my life.  I have lots of interests, but not one it seems that I will ignore my impulses to stay with it.  I want to have something that I absolutely have to make time for everyday, or at least on a regular basis.  Something that I can look back on in my life & be proud of myself.  But where to begin?  Sometimes I think I have too many passions & other times not enough, so what to choose?  I constantly disappoint myself with these unrealistic goals of dedicating myself to something & after a couple days I fall out of it as quickly as I came into it.  I think that I am more refering to being physically active - it is my biggest struggle.  I want it & I don’t want it, both strong impulses competing with each other & being active often loses.

Read http://martawrites.blogspot.com/ for another perspective on what I am thinking about.

laughing

I love laughing.

I love laughing because it is my latest & only form of exercise these days.

I love laughing with friends & I love when a stranger breaks the monotony of the day by handing me an unexpected funny moment.

I love the contagious laugh that seems to start at the tips of your toes, run up through your body & bubble up ’til it explodes from your mouth with firecracker intensity, right into the ears & astonished faces of innocent bystanders who are helpess to stop their own laughter from leaking out.

I love the kind of laughter where you laugh so hard for so long that you bend your hips, slap your knee, cross your legs & pray to God you can stop laughing before you pee your pants.  All of this while you are bent over with your mouth wide open, face scrunched up & zero noise coming from your mouth.  Such a position that if you happened to be a movie star & your movie was paused in exactly that position, THAT picture would be splashed all over the tabloids about how you were in some horiffic pain, when in fact…you were only laughing.

I love when, at the most inappropriate times, such as while bored in class, you randomly replay a funny event in your mind & laughter bursts at the seams of your mouth though you try in vain to keep those lips sealed, as if we are capable of keeping our lips sealed about anything anyway.  So though you try, you fail.  The laughter tickles your lips & tricks you into opening your mouth, releasing the most sudden burst of noise which startles everyone around you & succeeds in embarrassing you.

I love when you are telling a story, but you get ahead of yourself & start thinking of the funny part before you actually get there so that as you tell your story you can only gasp out one word about every 5 seconds because in those 5 seconds you’re laughing so hard, you’re crying.  And everytime you try to start again, you get maybe two words out before your voice starts getting louder & more high pitched & your words start jumbling until they are completely hidden by laughter.  Seriously people, please imagine this.  I am laughing right now as i write this, despite the fact that I am all alone, doing absolutley nothing that is funny). And as you are struggling to make your story make any sense, your audience is laughing AT you, not with you, because they still have absolutely NO idea why YOU are laughing.  And when you finally manage to get the story out, you realize after all that it really wasn’t funny at all.  (I know this because I personally experienced it today.)

I love hearing little babies giggle & seeing their eyes get bigger & watching the drool start forming & their body start wiggling.

I love having a reason to laugh & laughing for no reason.

I love people who snort when they laugh & only resort in making themselves laugh harder.

I love when a room full of strangers can all share a laugh together & I love when a group of friends never stops laughing for the entire night.

I love laughing because it is good for my soul.

I love laughing because it makes me happy.  And I like being happy.